My interview with a stick of butter.

Recently, I had the pleasure of interviewing a stick of butter.  The following is a transcript of our interview.  I hope you enjoy it!

  • Irish: Welcome butter!  It’s a pleasure to have you here.
  • Butter: You must not have the kids this weekend. 
  • IR: Why do you say that?
  • Butter: Well, you are in your kitchen interviewing a stick of butter, for starters.
  • IR: Yes, you do have a point there. So, shall we..
  • Butter: (interrupting) If you need a social life, I saw half a melon in the back part of the fridge that isn’t doing anything, and she likes classic movies…
  • IR: Whatever.  So, you were pretty busy during the holidays, yes?
  • Butter: Omg.  Cookies, pies, mashed potatoes…it never stops.  But the holidays are my favorite time of the year.  I feel like I make a strong contribution.
  • IR: Does it piss you off when families place, I Can’t Believe it’s not Butter on the table?
  • Butter: I hate that bastard.  First of all, if you can’t believe that fake is not butter, you need your head checked.  He thinks he’s cool because he gets all of the TV ad time. 
  • IR: What’s up with the annoying wrapper you come in.  I swear, everytime I try to open a stick of you I get butter all over my fingers.  I also hate it when I want some butter on a roll, or bread and you are hard.
  • Butter: That’s what she said. 
  • IR: Wow.  Ok then, tell us a little bit about the dynamic in a refrigerator.
  • Butter: Well, the compartments keep the peace.  I mean, I have no desire to hang out with the cold cuts.  They are belligerent and bologna just plain grosses me out.  The crisper is a fun place to chill and stay fresh.  We play card games there and sometimes when we want to really get wild, we play “squeeze the tomato”.
  • IR: Right.
  • Butter: At night, I go back to my little butter compartment and watch TV.
  • IR: Do the others get pissed because you have this nice, cozy place in the side door and they have to share their spots with other foods?
  • Butter: Listen, I keep things moist, help treat burns, get rubbed all over corn like a two cent whore…I deserve my own spot.
  • IR: Yes, that all makes perfect sense.  What is your favorite side dish to be placed on?
  • Butter: I like peas, but not from a can.  That is just plain sick.  Last month I was dabbed on some roasted root veggies…that was fun.  I expected it to be just another dinner, but I have to say, the parsnips really did something for me.
  • IR: Do you think it’s sad that people don’t churn their own butter anymore?
  • Butter: You would have to ask them.  I think, since it’s 2013, people have better things to do than stand over a churn for six hours, pumping up and down until they are out of breath and getting blisters, just to get a half a jar of me.  It’s one reason the Amish are so cranky.
  • IR: Well, we are running out of time, so my last question is, what is the craziest use for butter you have ever seen?
  • Butter: Let’s not go there, ok?
  • IR: No, let’s.  Inquiring minds want to know!
  • Butter: You don’t recall that date you had sophomore year in college?
  • IR: Oh.  Um.  Yeah.  That’s all the time we have for tonight, butter.  Thanks so much for your candid comments.  I’m sure we all gained from this.
  • Butter: Seriously, you don’t remember?
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4 thoughts on “My interview with a stick of butter.

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