Dear Punxsutawney Phil, LOL!!! Love, Global Warming.

If Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his hole and sees his shadow, we are supposed to experience another 6 weeks of winter.  That’s folklore for you.  Now let’s discuss reality.  Global warming says, “not a chance in hell”.  I’m tired of people talking about how global warming is changing weather patterns on Earth.  It bores me.  Yes, I know, it’s hot out there.  What I want to know is, what the hell is global warming going to do to poor Punxsutawney Phil?  

I live in Michigan.  While it isn’t the North Pole, it’s not exactly Cuba.  When I wake up in June and see the temperature set to be a balmy 105 degrees, I start to wonder.  Last week, the low temperature in Los Angeles was lower than the low where I live.  In January.  What the sam hell is going on?

I know.  Global warming.  Emissions.  I get it.  I am on board.  But I am a curious sort of fellow.  I like to go beyond the obvious and ask questions that make people think.  So here is my question.  What will become of Groundhog Day?  Obviously, we need to make some changes…right?  So I have a few amendments for future Groundhog Days.  Read them, and tell me what you think.

1.)  If the Groundhog sees his shadow, it means three more weeks of winter for the Yukon and parts of the Northwest Territory, in Canada.  For all other part of North America, it’s time to start buying seeds for your garden. 

2.) If the Groundhog doesn’t see his shadow, Walmart, Target and K-Mart will immediately discount all swimwear 50% for the next six weeks.  If you purchase swimwear at Walmart, you get a tax deduction of $500. If you take the deduction, you have to wear a pin that says, “I bought my Speedo at Walmart” for a month, during swim season.

3.) The guy in the big top hat that pulls Punxsutawney Phil out of his hole has to start wearing a t-shirt that says, “I used to celebrate Groundhog Day and all I got was this lousy T-shirt, thanks to global warming.”

I think these are reasonable ideas.  Look folks, life is changing all around us.  I saw Star Wars.  Earth turns into this barren land with no natural resources and Darth Vader kicks everyone’s ass.  It’s a scary thought.  Luckily, I will be dead when this happens, but still…I’m frightened.

Enjoy this Groundhog Day.  If Phil sees his shadow, the end result is likely bullshit.  We have to accept this and move on.  Global Warming has ruined an American institution.  Are we going to sit still and take it?  I say no!  We need our heroes!!

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3 thoughts on “Dear Punxsutawney Phil, LOL!!! Love, Global Warming.

  1. Phil just needs to diversify. I say give him a couple of years to learn about tornado season and let him predict the severity of that. Or let him get out of the weather game entirely and allow him to predict sporting events. I think Phil has it in him to be one hell of a bookie. Let’s not pigeonhole his talents!

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